Tuesday, January 10, 2006

What if ESPN Covered the Olympics?

Note: The following is the first installment over the next few weeks leading up to this year's Winter Olympics hypothesizing that to which the United States would be subjected if the self-proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports was the network covering the games...

SportsCenter following the Opening Ceremonies
hosted by Stu Scott and Mike Greenberg


Scott: Coming up on da 'Center- in depth coverage of the mayhem you just saw right here on ESPN! Winter Olympic Opening Cermony craziness like you've never seen before!

Greenberg: Hello, I'm Mike Greenberg along with Stuart Scott and you are watching SportsCenter. The opening ceremonies at the Olympics have never been known to be anything more than a waste of time, but that all changed in Torino, Italy tonight. For details, I turn it over to Stu.

Scott: This was wild-crazy. As the Russian team was entering the stadium, watch the fan in the crown waving a flag from France . He drops the flag, RUNS OUT ONTO THE CONCOURSE, and gives Vladimir Allyonov, Russia 's premier giant slalom skier, a HANDSHAKE. Then he tried to go back into the stands, but the security guards tackled him and brought him into custody! John Clayton was at the Opening Ceremonies tonight and joins us now LIVE for an update. John, could you please rehash what you saw?

Clayton: Well, actually, Stuart, I didn't see the event itself. I was attempting to get interviews with some members of the US team.

Scott: But, I mean, let's be real, didn't the whole place erupt when this went down?

Clayton: Not really.

Scott: But I mean, c'mon… what about all the security guards that just flat-out tackled the guy?

Clayton: Actually, there were only two security guards. And they didn't tackle the fan. They just led him out of the stadium into a holding area where he was later released after having his tickets for the games revoked.

Scott: John Clayton tellin' us how it is. For more analysis on this crazy story, we turn it over to our Winter Olympic expert desk and Mark Schlereth and Sean Salisbury. My boys, how will this incident affect Allyonov?

Schlereth: Allyonov is a giant slalom skier. And giant slalom skiers aren't affected by things like this. Giant slalom skiers see the mountain and take the mountain. Giant slalom skiers are only interested in one thing: giant slalom skiing. Opening ceremonies don't affect giant slalom skiers. Handshakes don't affect giant slalom skiers. Only things that happen on the giant slalom course affect giant slalom skiers.

Salisbury: SCHLERETH! YOU ARE WRONG! HERE'S WHY YOU ARE WRONG! THIS IS ONE OF THE TOP FIVE INCIDENTS TO EVER HAPPEN AT THE OPENING CEREMONIES EVER! ALLYONOV IS DONE! DONE! THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN RECOVER FROM THIS INCIDENT!

Greenberg: Thank you, gentlemen, for your insight. Coming up after the break, we'll head back to Torino for more on how this could affect the rest of these Olympic Games…

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